23/1/15

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23/1/15 01:51 pm
kittysour: (Default)
 i always read and hear people talk about triggers but never really gave it a thought when it comes to myself. obvzly i know the things that make me uncomfortable but theres never been anything thats made me think NO STOP.

turns out that i do indeed have a trigger, and there is something that makes me shout out stop, and yeah its the thing i mentioned yesterday. that one little incident still plagues me to this day, but i thought i was just being overdramatic and not wanting to forget it (oh how i wish) but its still there, always in the back of my mind when people talk about getting drunk and alcohol, its there when the girls at work invite me out for drinks. its there when i mention someone making a joke about the whole thing, and i get to listen to my mam get so angry and upset, and own up to the fact that she was so scared incase i came away that night not only with a hangover and bruised ego. but also a baby! (this was a thing she only mentioned yesterday, she was actually so scared that i had been left alone passed out with my clothes all wrong, that anything or anyone could have done something to me, and isnt that the saddest thing about this all. i know im not the only one affected by this) its the way my chest tightens and tears cone to my eyes and i have to walk away (when with other people) or say outloud I CANT TALK ABOUT THIS when with my mam. 

today i feel fine, mentally im okay, im not medicated anymore! woo! theres just this one thing in my life that seems to be clawing back up and clinging on. and i dont want it to because i am happy, i feel like i have moved on and found out who and what makes me feel comfortable and well and i dont want anything to spoil that or take me back. i dont know what it is about the last couple of months that has triggered me so much but its been a bloody tough time that i would pay or do anything to forget.

but now i have to go and get dressed and sorted because ive lazed in bed all day and the mumster will be back soon to take me shopping!

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kittysour

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